Confession...

 Avash and Sandesh told us to go first. We were going to class when one of Pratima’s friends called her. The door of our class was slightly open from where I could hear someone saying ‘Upama’. I waited there to listen.

“That girl was creating a scene here in class at first and now see how she laughs hanging around with him.” I couldn’t make out whose voice it was.

“Yeah, she sure is shameless. I’m sure she has feelings for him, the way she acts shows it. But how did Avash even end up with her after all that mess. He should’ve just ignored her. She is not worth his friendship” The other one said. 

I opened the door so roughly that it banged in the wall. Everyone turned their attention to the door to see what happened.

“Oh, I didn’t know I had this many friends in the class. Thank you for caring about me and my feelings.”, I said sarcastically. I took my seat. They were glaring at me as if they were going to eat me. I glared back. Soon, Pratima arrived and asked if something had happened. I told her everything.

“Just be courageous and confess. Tell him that you like him, don’t delay anymore. It’s already been weeks that you realized, why are you giving yourself a hard time with all those one-sided feelings and this gossip?” She was frustrated.

“I can’t. No, I don’t want to, I don’t want myself to be hurt having such high expectations. What if I got rejected? What will happen then? I can’t remain friends with him any longer, it’ll become awkward.” I started picturing everything in my head, I felt tears starting to form in my eyes. To avoid tears I looked elsewhere.

“Why are you only thinking about rejection? He might reciprocate your feelings too. Who knows what will happen? Don’t be such a coward and face it.” She urged me.

I didn’t say anything. The boys came to class and we dropped the topic. 

It was already time to leave.

“Give it some thought,” Pratima said before leaving.

I went to the bus thinking about what she said. ‘If it was meant to hurt, it would happen anyway. Should I just tell him? Should I just pour it all out and see what happens next? What would he think of me?

I think I should just be positive and take chances. Even if I get rejected I’ll get to express my feelings. I won’t have any regrets later on. If anything, I will create a history for myself.’ Avash came running to the bus and pulled me.

“What??” I asked, alarmed. 

“Nothing. If I just asked you to come you’d refuse, I have to drag you so that you can’t decline.” he chuckled.

Calming myself, I noticed that he was holding my hand. I shook my hand away from him, unable to bear the emotions I was getting. He looked at me when I did so, realizing what had happened he looked at me sheepishly. We went to a café and that's when I realized how hungry I was. He ordered a chocolate-flavored cake for me and a strawberry-flavored one for himself (I can never understand how boys around me always like strawberry flavor, including my father). I also ordered one peach iced tea. Feeling full in the stomach, we took a little walk and took a detour for college to pass the time. 

“Do you have a boyfriend?” He was looking at me intently.

Feeling rushed to answer his question, I hurriedly replied, “What? No, having a boyfriend was out of question, I never even had friends who were boys. Didn’t you see my friend’s reaction when she saw me sitting with you? That's the reason she was so flustered. I didn’t want a solitary life anymore. I want to experience everything.” 

He just nodded and didn’t say anything. It seemed like a cold reaction when I told almost everything about me.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” I built all the courage I could to ask him that. Crossing fingers in the back, I gritted my teeth waiting for his answer.

“No.” It took him a while to answer and it seemed that more words were hidden in them. Trying to ease his facial muscles, he smiled.

We sat on the bus, silent for some time. He pulled out his earphones and handed me one string. We listened to music the whole ride. I could somehow tell he was in a bad mood today. ‘Was it after I asked him if he was single? Or was it before that?’ The thoughts about him started swarming in my head again.

That night, to avoid the things Pratima told me, I watched a movie. My brother and I took turns when watching the movie and it was his turn to choose. He picked the movie ‘The fault in our stars’. Showing my opposition to the movie, I begged him to change it, but it didn’t work. I was not in the mood for a romantic movie but I couldn’t back up because of our (my brother’s and mine) ‘rules’. 

At the end of the movie, I got emotional.

I guess the movie triggered me, I also remembered all the things Pratima told me. ‘I have to do it someday anyway, why not now?’ I decided to confess my feelings to him tomorrow. I wanted him to know. The movie gave me all the confidence in the world. I was not afraid anymore. 

The D-Day

Earlier that morning, I went to buy chocolates. Feeling a jolt in my stomach, I chose them. I heard chocolate was best when sharing feelings and if he rejected me he could just throw them away or give them to others, I don’t know. I just knew that I was going to tell him today. I braided my hair and put on eyeliners. I did that sometimes, so it was no big deal, right? 

Keeping things in my bag I smiled seeing the chocolate perfectly wrapped for him. I could wait no more. I was feeling bad, not sharing things with Suruchi but I wanted to tell her everything after it was certain. After a long wait, the bus pulled in front of us.

He was not there today. My eyes peeked at every inch of the but he was nowhere to be seen. The disappointment in my face must’ve shown as Suruchi said, “you must be sad having me as your seat partner for today.” I smiled half-heartedly and we took our seats. We had a long chat the whole way, not letting my mind wander anywhere.

There he was, on his seat, busy on the phone. I went towards him, after keeping my bag on the bench. ‘He is the deciding person for today’ I thought. “Hey! Why were you not on the bus today?” I questioned him.

“Why? You didn’t enjoy the ride without me?” He avoided my question.

“It’s not that I didn’t but it was strange not seeing you there.” ‘Looking back, he was not there on the first day either. What might have been the reason?' I was busy talking with my mind again. 

Pratima entered the class. Gesturing her to go out, we went to the canteen. It was a safe place to talk quietly as not many people went there at that time of the day.

“I’m ready. I want to let it all out. I think I can do it.” I said.

She looked confused, “What are you saying?” She eyed with curiosity all over her face.

Calming myself, I looked at her and started talking, “Well, I think you’re right. I have to tell him sooner than later. I don’t want to push anymore, I’m going to confess today.” 

She was squealing with excitement. “Oh god!! I’m so happy for you girl, I know you can do it. All the best.” 

I smiled. “When are you going to do it?” She asked.

“After class, I guess. That will be a good time, won’t it?” I asked for confirmation and she nodded.

I was nervous for the whole day. Most of the time I couldn’t make out what the teachers were saying. In English class, Pratima had to pinch me for me to concentrate. I didn’t know that the teacher had asked me the question. I was so out of my mind. I didn’t want to eat lunch as well. I was feeling a strange burn inside my throat. But skipping lunch was out of the question. If I was rejected, it was my last meal for the day.

Thinking about the various consequences of my actions later that day, a huge sigh skipped from me. The two boys looked at me, raising their eyebrows. I could tell that Pratima understood and gave me a weak smile.

How fast was the day gone? I was so nervous that even my ears started hearing a bell and my mind was spinning.

“Should I just quit my plan? My stomach is aching with nervousness and I can’t explain how my heart is about to burst.”

 Pratima tried to give me confidence, “You’ve already decided so just do it. You can do it.” 

I went outside, breathing long and hard. I saw him going inside the bus. I entered the bus and saw that he was about to leave. When he was on the way out, I followed and called him from the ground. “Do you need something? I’m going to buy something in the nearest shop.” He asked.

“No, I….umm…I have something to say to you.” I replied in a low voice, doubting if he heard it.

“Is it urgent? Can’t you tell me on the way back?” He asked again.

“No, it has to be now and here,” I said, clutching the wrapped chocolate I had inside my pocket. Taking the chocolate out, inhaling and exhaling deeply, I began, “From our first encounter to till date, every time I’m with you, my heart jumps. Every time I listened to the music with you it gave me comfort. When you said you didn't have a girlfriend, I was so relieved and excited yesterday that I can’t tell you in words.” I took a pause. “I’m glad that I have feelings towards the person with whom I can feel at comfort and ease. I like you, Avash.” I handed him the chocolates.

He was dumbfounded, I could tell by his gaze. He had such a readable expression that my heart dropped. He began to straighten his face. “I don’t know what to say. You…you just… took me off-guard.” His long pause was killing me inside but I tried to hold my expression.

“Upss…I…I actually have someone I want to be with. I didn’t know… I didn’t know how you felt… I’m sorry.” He was telling me in a deep, serious voice.

I couldn’t see his eyes. I looked down, embarrassment flowing from head to toe. I didn’t know what to do, I just ran towards the washroom. I tried to compose myself but couldn’t. My vision was blurred because of the tears. After crying for a long time, I heard the bell ringing. The classes were over and the bus was leaving in five minutes. I had to adjust myself and go to the bus. I knew he was there. I don’t know how I was going to face him. I headed towards the bus. They were waiting for me and when I went inside, I saw Suruchi sitting in that seat. 

“What happened?” She asked when she saw me. I knew I looked messy but the way she examined me, I must’ve been a whole lot of mess.

I shook my head and rested my head on the seat ahead. She didn’t say anything.

I went home and took a shower. With the excuse of a headache, I slept early. 

I woke up earlier than usual. To keep my mind free from thoughts, I helped my mom in the kitchen. I didn’t want to go to college and come across him but I would be even more depressed if I didn’t go. 

Pratima had called many times but I wanted to tell her everything in person.

I also couldn’t keep Suruchi in the dark, so I called her and asked her to come before her usual time. She came. I told her everything from the beginning to the end. Finally, I could talk to her about anything. Her expression was unreadable.

She just hugged me and told me that everything will be better soon. It gave me comfort. I told her I was embarrassed to face him. 

We got on the bus, he was sitting in the corner of the last seat. I tried not to look at him and went to my seat. Suruchi and I talked about her friends. How careless I had been to my friend. I didn’t know what was happening in her life anymore.

When I reached the classroom Sandesh and Pratima were sitting face to face talking about something. When they saw Avash, they stopped and Sandesh went to his seat. 

“What did you guys talk about?” I asked Pratima.

She looked at me as if she knew what happened and hugged me. She dragged me to the washroom and told me everything they were talking about.

“Avash has liked a girl for 2 years, the girl studies in another college. They’re friends but it seems like the girl also likes him back. Avash was going to confess his feelings today and asked Sandesh’s help but cancelled in the morning. Sandesh was confused why he cancelled that grand plan. Now you tell me what happened yesterday.” 

I tried so hard not to cry but tears started pouring again. I told her how I got rejected. It also hit me hard that he really had someone he liked. I thought he told me that just to reject me.

“Damn that Sandesh, couldn’t he tell us sooner. I may have been able to avoid the situation if I knew.” I talked in a squeaky voice.

‘At least I tried. Maybe later I would have missed the chance and regretted it. If he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me I can just not talk with him. It will be easier to move on if I drift apart.” I thought to myself. 

-THE END-